To succeed as managers, we must develop a diverse skill set. However, to be a leader, we must learn and develop many additional skills that elevate us from good to great. Just as parents develop their parenting abilities while raising their first child, new managers face a significant learning curve in people management, encountering both pleasant and unexpected challenges.
I was thinking about my prior article regarding how people can address the unwelcome feeling of “my manager doesn’t like me.” As discussed, this sentiment often comes into play when there are confusing communications. In these cases, situations may arise because you’re dealing with a first-time manager or one who is still relatively inexperienced and is communicating with you in ways you are unused to.
Imagine a newly promoted manager, Mary, stepping into their role with excitement but quickly feeling the weight of their new responsibilities. Up until now, Mary was the ideal employee, mastering technical tasks and delivering results, but now she faces an entirely different challenge: managing people.
Mary’s predecessor left behind a well-oiled team accustomed to their style of communication and stable routines. However, Mary’s never worked with her predecessor, and her management style is different, not bad, just different. More sensitive and junior staff members who are inexperienced with the varied nuances of leadership might erroneously interpret Mary’s stress as disapproval. Meetings become tense, team members seem hesitant, and questions like “but why?” from staff members feel relentless. Confused and ignorant to the root issue, Mary is left feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.
In truth, Mary interprets these repeated “but why” questions as challenges to their authority. Behind closed doors, the staff wonder if she doubts their capability. What Mary doesn’t immediately realize is that these questions are not acts of defiance but usually represent reflections of the team’s effort to adjust to a new leadership style and their own uncertainties. Some team members, particularly those with less confidence, are also grappling with unseen fears of failing to meet expectations. Their questions are less about questioning authority and more about seeking clarity and reassurance in this period of change.
Their pushback isn’t insolence; it reflects uncertainty about their own ideas or decisions, leaving them to seek validation, reassurance, or a deeper understanding of the expectations placed on them.
If Mary hasn’t been afforded the opportunity to learn proper people management skills, her replies might come off as stressed. She may appear defensive at times, giving brief, straightforward answers that could increase anxiety within the team. Nevertheless, with the proper support and time for reflection, Mary should come to realize that the team isn’t aiming to challenge her; they are genuinely trying to understand her more effectively.
Recognizing this, Mary can shift her approach. Instead of dismissing questions, she takes time to explain not just the “how” but the “why” behind tasks and decisions as they are being assigned, and in doing so, fosters an environment where team members feel valued and heard. Altering the approach to match the staff’s needs not only eases the team’s stress levels but also helps Mary build their confidence as a leader. In this way, she learns that managing people is not about asserting authority, it is about cultivating trust and collaboration.
Through this experience, Mary learns that questions like “but why” often signal more than they appear. For the team members, a ‘why’ represents a need for clarity and connection. For Mary, the moments “why” appear in dialogue become key signals and opportunities to improve the development of the empathy and communication skills essential for effective leadership. Over time, this mutual understanding transforms what initially felt like overwhelming challenges into a foundation for stronger team dynamics and personal growth as a leader.
